Monday, January 19, 2009

Why Is It Hip To Hate Israel?

Walk into one of the largest mosques in Iran and you will see ten foot tall banners proclaiming "Death To Israel". The Iranian leader vows the destruction of Israel, having said that he would gladly suffer half his own people to die if it meant the death of every Jew in Israel. Iran has now been arming and funding Hamas for years, smuggling Iranian made missiles into Gaza through the border crossing with Egypt. Hamas, not Israel, broke the ceasefire in December, by unleashing hundreds of these Katyusha and Qassam rockets into Israeli towns and cities on the border. Since 2001, more than 10,000 rockets and mortars have been fired at Israeli civilians from Gaza. The firing of unguided missiles into civilian populations, by the way, is a massive human rights violation, but don't tell the UN or the major news agencies. It might spoil the game they make out of the slandering of Israel.
Most news agencies won’t show the Israeli troop transports, loaded with medicine and food, being driven through the checkpoints into Gaza to alleviate the suffering of the Palestinian civilians. They won’t show the Palestinians from Gaza being treated in Israeli hospitals during the battles. They won’t report on the Israeli policy of using text messages and leaflets to warn Gaza citizens of impending Israeli retaliations, thus helping Palestinian civilians while endangering Israel's own soldiers. They won’t highlight the highly targeted and surgical nature of Israeli strikes on Hamas strongholds, in contrast with the inhumanly blind rocket attacks on Israeli civilians.
Watching this all occur, and seeing the slanted news reports, and listening to that piece of shit “United Nations Observer to Palestine” Riyad Mansour, who is in fact nothing more than a spokesmouth for Hamas and should not be on the U.N. payroll, and now seeing all the protests around the world from bored, useless, ineffectual teenagers and their petty, ignorant, and hateful parents who have nothing better to protest now that their messiah has replaced Bush as president, who can help but wonder where all this blatant propaganda comes from? While you ponder that question, let me ask you this: Why does Michelangelo’s awe-inspiring statue of Moses have evil jew horns?
A klog is meer! When will these beautiful balebetishen yidden ever receive a fair break? When will the Schlemiels and Schmendriks of the media learn? Oy gevalt, I think I’ll stop this useless rant, crack open a bottle of Maneschewitz, and cry my eyes out watching “Fiddler On The Roof” (again).

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dirty Politician Derby 2008!

Before we forget the perils and pitfalls of trusting our sworn representatives and giving them ever more and more control over our lives, let's take a few moments to remember some of the news stories that served, in 2008, to remind us why we shouldn't trust these bastards with anything. Keep in mind that this is only a list of legally criminal behavior. My computer doesn't store enough data for me to write about all of the instances of less-than-honorable leadership, such as party-line bickering, pork barrel spending, and all of what Thomas Jefferson called "the endless quibbles, chicaneries, perversions, vexations, and delays of lawyers and demi-lawyers".
Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D-IL) - Selling a Senate seat recently vacated by fellow politician Barack Obama is all over the news, but this piece of trash has also been the subject of at least a dozen separate federal investigations, not including allegedly threatening to withhold $8 million of state funds from the Children's Memorial Hospital unless they coughed up $50,000 for his re-election campaign. This guy is as filthy as they come. On a side note, did you see the gall that his eventual gubernatorial appointee, Roland Burris, displayed upon the suggestion that his appointment may not have been completely wholesome and valid? The dude (Burris) practically spit in the faces of reporters, angrily asserting "his right" to be a senator. This is exactly the self-righteous attitude of entitlement and the disdain for common decency that we see infecting so many of our elected officials.
Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) - Guilty of 7 felony charges related to accepting $250,000 in gifts from Veco, an Alaska oil services and construction company at the center of the now multi-year corruption probe. As a part of this big bribe Veco doubled the size of his house, so at least his ashamed family will have plenty of room to hide their faces from the world.
State Representative Vic Kohring (R-AK) - Another Alaskan representative now in prison over the Veco affair. There were several others, but I'm sticking to 2008 convictions here. Most of these pigs were rounded up in 2007.
Gov. Eliot Spitzer (D-NY) - Admitted that he was a customer of a prostitution ring and resigned. I had hesitations adding him to the list, due to his excellent record of prosecuting government corruption cases while attorney general. Oh well. At least she was hot.
Congressman Rick Renzi (R-AZ) - Indicted on multiple federal charges including conspiracy, wire fraud, money laundering, extortion, and insurance fraud.
Mayor Larry Langford (D-AL) - Arrested on December 1, 2008 by the FBI on a 101 count indictment alleging conspiracy, bribery, fraud, money laundering, and filing false tax returns in connection with a long-running bribery scheme.
State Senator Carole Midgen (D-CA) - Caught in 89 counts of campaign finance reporting, involving over half a million dollars. This one doesn't seem so bad, but it was enough to land her a $350,000 fine. It's funny which ethical violations will get you in trouble, and which ones won't.
State Senator Diane Wilkerson (D-MA) - Finally resigned in the face of tax evasion, ethics violations, and perjury charges. The icing on the cake is the FBI videotape of this classy lady stuffing bribe money into her bra. The DVD will hit porn-shop shelves just in time for the Oscars.
Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick (D-MI) - This pimp-ass muthafucka is one of my favorites. Talk about living the life of royalty. Where do we begin? He got caught using taxdollars to pay for his spa massages, extravagant meals, expensive wines, and a freakin' car lease, running up a bill of $210,000! He also got caught giving his buddies the homey-hookup on lucrative public works contracts involving hundreds of millions of tax dollars. Remember, folks, tax dollars come straight from all of our hard earned paychecks! After using his taxpayer provided security unit to cover up an extramarital affair with his sexy Chief of Staff, he fired both of the police officers assigned to investigate this misuse of public resources. Then, he lied about it under oath, knowing that Bill Clinton gave us all a nice precedent. Ooh, let's not forget that big party he threw at the mayoral mansion with all the strippers. When his wife unexpectedly came home and found him in a compromising position, a scene right out of "COPS" ensued. Tragically, the stripper involved, a Miss Tamara Greene, could not be a part of the follow-up investigation, as she was later shot 18 times with a Glock .40 cal (A fine gun commonly used by the police, which I only mention because there is a continuing cover-up scandal involving, well, the police). The entire investigation into what exactly happened at the governor's mansion that night is ongoing, and is starting to read like the investigations of the Kennedy assassinations. Oh, by the way, this son of a bitch also funneled $175,000 of state grant money into a bogus organization with only one employee: His wife. Those aren't all of this pimp's scandals, but you get the point.
State Senator Joseph Coniglio (D-NJ) - Indicted for abusing state grants, mail fraud and extortion. Bo-ring!
Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM) - Had to withdraw his bid to be Obama's Commerce Secretary due to investigations into trading campaign money for lucrative government transportation contracts.
Councilman Hiram Monserrate (D-NY) - Charged for assaulting his girlfriend, resulting in an injury to her left eye. I only mention him to remind us all that even the small fries can't be trusted.
Attorney General Marc Dann (D-OH) - Resigned because of a sex scandal and harassment of his aides.
Senate Pro Tempore (?) John Burton (D-CA) - Alleged sexual harassment.
Attorney General Paul J. Morrison (D-KS) - After an extramarital affair with an office administrator, he was charged with sexual harassment and claims that he pressured her to obtain sensitive information about the district attorney. Talk about rude. I would've sent her flowers, instead.
Tim Mahoney (D-FL) - Currently under FBI investigation for preferential treatment involving $3.4 million in hurricane relief funds, and also (wait for it) . . . extramarital affair!
Attorney General Marc Dann (D-OH) - Resigned after an . . . anyone? . . . you guessed it, an extramarital affair!
Representative Vito Fossella (R-NY) - Drunk driving and . . . extramarital affair!
Senator John Edwards (D-NC) - Extramarital affair! And, as if that wasn't disgusting enough, he did it while his wife was battling cancer. My feelings on this fella are akin to my feeling on dog shit in a warm glass of milk, aged three weeks.
And let's not forget our friends down in the fake state of Puerto Rico. Governor Anibal Acevedo Vila (D-Puerto Rico) - Indicted by the United States on 19 counts of campaign finance corruption and conspiracy to violate federal election laws. On August 19, 2008 he was indicted a second time with 5 additional counts, including four counts of Honest Services Wire Fraud, and a fifth count of Conspiracy to Commit Money Laundering. Puerto Rico also makes decent rum.
Holy smokes, are you still reading? Good for you, and thanks. I've written this purely out of a passionate love for my country and all that it stands for. Our founding fathers gave us an amazing and precious nation, and it is up to us to defend it from all enemies, foreign and domestic. I treasure our liberty, equality, and opportunity. One of the biggest threats to these are our politicians, from the President on down. Let's resolve to hold them to a higher standard. If we diminish their power, we will strengthen our own.
This concludes Dirty Politician Derby 2008!

Socialism Versus My Hulking Biceps (originally posted Thursday, December 11, 2008)

The illogic of American liberals can be traced to the desire to distribute power as widely as possible and keep all power within a system of checks and balances. That is all well and good, but then the crazies step in and take it too far. Modern American liberals seek to prevent the accumulation of power and wealth in the hands of an economic or private "elite" and balance the power of market forces and businesses against that of government, so that no source of power may go unchecked. Then, they go even further, suggesting that the fruits of every individual's labor should be stolen and redistributed as they see fit. And they have the gall to call this "equality".
If the modern American liberal is so afraid of any accumulation of power by a single entity, I wonder how long I will be able to hide the awesome power of my hulking biceps. I am not joking. I promise you that I and Americans like me will stop producing if you take away the fruits of our labor. This is the classic fatal flaw of socialism, the true name for modern American liberalism. The trouble is, once the wealth dries up, these crazy bastards just might come for our individual abilities.
Which brings me back to my hulking biceps. I realize that, to some, my massive fist cannons are intimidating, and that these same peoples fear and jealousy may drive them to attempt a redistribution of my awesome power. So I want to send out this warning right now to all the would-be socialists lurking amongst our ranks: If you come for my hulking biceps, I will destroy you. I will rip the meat from your bones and feast upon your godless souls.
So just try it. Try taking these guns away.

You pay them to do this (Originally posted Tuesday, September 09, 2008)

Last week H.CON.RES.402 was introduced to the House of Crapresentatives and referred to the House Committee on Natural Resources. This is a do-nothing resolution to recognize 2009 as the "Sesquicentennial of Oil", and to honor some stupid county in Crapsville, Pennsylvania for having been the founding site of the much loved american oil industry.
Now, ask yourself: If you hired some shmuck to fix your leaky roof, and instead he writes you an essay about the last Dean Koonz novel he read while waiting for his unemployment check to arrive, would you still pay him? So why do we still pay our government representatives when they continue to shovel this kind of garbage?

NBC says "screw you, sports fans!" (Originally posted Saturday, August 09, 2008)

In rabid anticipation of tonights festival of communism, my special lady friend and I anxiously awaited the opening ceremonies of the olympics. Beers in hand, we tuned in the NBC online Olympics website, only to find a pathetic two minute recap of the wonders we missed, wonders that included 2,008 synchronised chinese slaves drumming while flaming, smoking, pollution spewing fireworks attempted to bring fruition to Al Gore's inconveniant pack of self-aggrandising fear-mongering Godless horse crap.
NBC is a piece of garbage. The website doesn't work. Our tv only gets OPB, which means that tonight there are two sad little sports fans drinking away their sorrows in front of a patriotic miniseries produced by HBO and released on DVD. Honestly, though, "John Adams" is pretty fucking good.
Don't tread on us, England!

It Hurts (Originally posted Thursday, November 16, 2006)

So, like, on Monday, the House of Reps sent this bill up for approval that was designed to prosecute violent animal rights activists. It's called the "Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act". Except what it really can do is allow the arrest, and trial as a Terrorist, anyone caught at a peaceful protest, if they could be shown to have decreased any profits of the organization under protest.
Somebody remind me again, what is so terrifying about hippies at a sit-in?
To prove the irony of it's own existence, this week also happened to be the week the government chose reveal the newest plans for the next D.C. monument: a statue of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
It hurts, being treated this way.
Seriously, call your State Representative