Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dirty Politician Derby 2008!

Before we forget the perils and pitfalls of trusting our sworn representatives and giving them ever more and more control over our lives, let's take a few moments to remember some of the news stories that served, in 2008, to remind us why we shouldn't trust these bastards with anything. Keep in mind that this is only a list of legally criminal behavior. My computer doesn't store enough data for me to write about all of the instances of less-than-honorable leadership, such as party-line bickering, pork barrel spending, and all of what Thomas Jefferson called "the endless quibbles, chicaneries, perversions, vexations, and delays of lawyers and demi-lawyers".
Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D-IL) - Selling a Senate seat recently vacated by fellow politician Barack Obama is all over the news, but this piece of trash has also been the subject of at least a dozen separate federal investigations, not including allegedly threatening to withhold $8 million of state funds from the Children's Memorial Hospital unless they coughed up $50,000 for his re-election campaign. This guy is as filthy as they come. On a side note, did you see the gall that his eventual gubernatorial appointee, Roland Burris, displayed upon the suggestion that his appointment may not have been completely wholesome and valid? The dude (Burris) practically spit in the faces of reporters, angrily asserting "his right" to be a senator. This is exactly the self-righteous attitude of entitlement and the disdain for common decency that we see infecting so many of our elected officials.
Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) - Guilty of 7 felony charges related to accepting $250,000 in gifts from Veco, an Alaska oil services and construction company at the center of the now multi-year corruption probe. As a part of this big bribe Veco doubled the size of his house, so at least his ashamed family will have plenty of room to hide their faces from the world.
State Representative Vic Kohring (R-AK) - Another Alaskan representative now in prison over the Veco affair. There were several others, but I'm sticking to 2008 convictions here. Most of these pigs were rounded up in 2007.
Gov. Eliot Spitzer (D-NY) - Admitted that he was a customer of a prostitution ring and resigned. I had hesitations adding him to the list, due to his excellent record of prosecuting government corruption cases while attorney general. Oh well. At least she was hot.
Congressman Rick Renzi (R-AZ) - Indicted on multiple federal charges including conspiracy, wire fraud, money laundering, extortion, and insurance fraud.
Mayor Larry Langford (D-AL) - Arrested on December 1, 2008 by the FBI on a 101 count indictment alleging conspiracy, bribery, fraud, money laundering, and filing false tax returns in connection with a long-running bribery scheme.
State Senator Carole Midgen (D-CA) - Caught in 89 counts of campaign finance reporting, involving over half a million dollars. This one doesn't seem so bad, but it was enough to land her a $350,000 fine. It's funny which ethical violations will get you in trouble, and which ones won't.
State Senator Diane Wilkerson (D-MA) - Finally resigned in the face of tax evasion, ethics violations, and perjury charges. The icing on the cake is the FBI videotape of this classy lady stuffing bribe money into her bra. The DVD will hit porn-shop shelves just in time for the Oscars.
Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick (D-MI) - This pimp-ass muthafucka is one of my favorites. Talk about living the life of royalty. Where do we begin? He got caught using taxdollars to pay for his spa massages, extravagant meals, expensive wines, and a freakin' car lease, running up a bill of $210,000! He also got caught giving his buddies the homey-hookup on lucrative public works contracts involving hundreds of millions of tax dollars. Remember, folks, tax dollars come straight from all of our hard earned paychecks! After using his taxpayer provided security unit to cover up an extramarital affair with his sexy Chief of Staff, he fired both of the police officers assigned to investigate this misuse of public resources. Then, he lied about it under oath, knowing that Bill Clinton gave us all a nice precedent. Ooh, let's not forget that big party he threw at the mayoral mansion with all the strippers. When his wife unexpectedly came home and found him in a compromising position, a scene right out of "COPS" ensued. Tragically, the stripper involved, a Miss Tamara Greene, could not be a part of the follow-up investigation, as she was later shot 18 times with a Glock .40 cal (A fine gun commonly used by the police, which I only mention because there is a continuing cover-up scandal involving, well, the police). The entire investigation into what exactly happened at the governor's mansion that night is ongoing, and is starting to read like the investigations of the Kennedy assassinations. Oh, by the way, this son of a bitch also funneled $175,000 of state grant money into a bogus organization with only one employee: His wife. Those aren't all of this pimp's scandals, but you get the point.
State Senator Joseph Coniglio (D-NJ) - Indicted for abusing state grants, mail fraud and extortion. Bo-ring!
Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM) - Had to withdraw his bid to be Obama's Commerce Secretary due to investigations into trading campaign money for lucrative government transportation contracts.
Councilman Hiram Monserrate (D-NY) - Charged for assaulting his girlfriend, resulting in an injury to her left eye. I only mention him to remind us all that even the small fries can't be trusted.
Attorney General Marc Dann (D-OH) - Resigned because of a sex scandal and harassment of his aides.
Senate Pro Tempore (?) John Burton (D-CA) - Alleged sexual harassment.
Attorney General Paul J. Morrison (D-KS) - After an extramarital affair with an office administrator, he was charged with sexual harassment and claims that he pressured her to obtain sensitive information about the district attorney. Talk about rude. I would've sent her flowers, instead.
Tim Mahoney (D-FL) - Currently under FBI investigation for preferential treatment involving $3.4 million in hurricane relief funds, and also (wait for it) . . . extramarital affair!
Attorney General Marc Dann (D-OH) - Resigned after an . . . anyone? . . . you guessed it, an extramarital affair!
Representative Vito Fossella (R-NY) - Drunk driving and . . . extramarital affair!
Senator John Edwards (D-NC) - Extramarital affair! And, as if that wasn't disgusting enough, he did it while his wife was battling cancer. My feelings on this fella are akin to my feeling on dog shit in a warm glass of milk, aged three weeks.
And let's not forget our friends down in the fake state of Puerto Rico. Governor Anibal Acevedo Vila (D-Puerto Rico) - Indicted by the United States on 19 counts of campaign finance corruption and conspiracy to violate federal election laws. On August 19, 2008 he was indicted a second time with 5 additional counts, including four counts of Honest Services Wire Fraud, and a fifth count of Conspiracy to Commit Money Laundering. Puerto Rico also makes decent rum.
Holy smokes, are you still reading? Good for you, and thanks. I've written this purely out of a passionate love for my country and all that it stands for. Our founding fathers gave us an amazing and precious nation, and it is up to us to defend it from all enemies, foreign and domestic. I treasure our liberty, equality, and opportunity. One of the biggest threats to these are our politicians, from the President on down. Let's resolve to hold them to a higher standard. If we diminish their power, we will strengthen our own.
This concludes Dirty Politician Derby 2008!

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