What Did The 5 Fingers Say To The Red Leftist Bastard?

The Russian Soviet Revolution has failed miserably. The Chinese Great Leap Backward has brought total socio-political oppression to its people. North Korea and Cuba are now impoverished nations under the thumbs of tiny totalitarian tyrants, with Venezuela nipping along closely behind. Karl Marx was an incompetent half-wit unable to hold a job or find his pants.

The delusional red revolutionaries of the past brought violent, bloody disaster to their nations, and from the wreckage of those nations reared the true hellish face of communism, the face of socialist fascism. The Dictatorship of the Proletariat has always resulted in both the oppression of the actual proletariat and the creation of a new, more powerful class of bourgeois oppressors. Reality and human nature are incontrovertible forces that have always dealt a lethal bitchslap to the delusions of revolutionary communism.

With full knowledge of this immutable law, modern day commies have given up notions of glorious, violent revolution, and are resorting instead to a more gradual and less obvious method of parliamentary driven change. Modern day Reds often avoid the traditional labels of "communist" and "socialist" altogether, preferring the more nebulous and less insidious "leftist". No longer do their banners carry slogans of struggle and sacrifice for the good of the state. They have been replaced with the empty rhetoric of "basic human rights", "equality", and "social justice", held forth as totems against the stark reality that in all nations wherein the communist struggle has succeeded, these words are all now meaningless. The goals, however, are the same: The crushing of the Individual beneath the boot of the State.

Now is the time for well-aimed bitchslaps to the face of creeping socialist fascism. When the hags of network news depict the opponents of increased government control as conservative nutjobs, give 'em a bitchslap. When immature hopey-changey hipsters raise the red flag and spout off about "the haves and the have-not's", give 'em a bitchslap. When the greasy smiling politicians reach their grasping hands towards our hard-earned wages and our hard-earned liberties, give 'em a bitchslap. And when any man tells you that you cannot succeed on your own, because life is unfair, and that all of your problems are someone else's fault, give 'em an atomic flying bitchslap, because you don't need that shit. You are an awesome and powerful individual, capable of joy, innovation, and greatness.

My fellow strong and sovereign individuals, it's bitchslappin' time!

Jokers and Thieves

Thomas Jefferson owned slaves. John Adams repressed free speech and the criticism of government. Dirty Bill Clinton cheated on his filthy hag wife. Politicians are dirty, and we all know it. Despite this, every day we see people casting aside reason and responsibility, ready to throw away truth and liberty for the sake of following the latest enigmatic demagogue. While they may eloquently seem to offer us solutions to all of our problems, our elected leaders will always fall sway to the same human weaknesses shared by us all. Our government can never be better than we the people, and just as no man ought to have dominion over another, we should never swallow the poison pill of blind fanatic loyalty to our elected leadership. A government of the people, by the people, and for the people, necessarily possesses every weakness that lies in the people. This was the very reason that compelled the founders to create a nation defined by liberty and limited government. They saw very clearly the susceptibility of power to corruption.

"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one."
-Thomas Paine

We are, however, quickly forgetting their humble wisdom. The American government has grown in size and scope and, like a metastasized cancer, is steadily infecting every aspect of our lives. While we are still, politically speaking, one of the greatest societies in history, we should always remember that the frailties of mankind are as immutable as death, and never submit our individual sovereignty to the corruptible will of another.

It is said by some that the founding fathers would cry out in horror at the leviathan that is the American government of the 21st century (well, maybe not Alexander Hamilton, that bastard!). We've been fooled by our leaders into handing ever more power and authority over to them, and in return we have received only taxes, wars, excessive laws, and a political circus worthy of Barnum and Bailey. It was never supposed to be this way. It's time for us to stop trusting these thieving jokers with the control of our lives, and start trusting in ourselves. We don’t need their bailouts. We don’t need their medicine. We don’t need their wars. We need to be strong, confident, and responsible. We need to grow up.